suffer, baby
dear world,
i will elaborate more later. but, i have been a bit m.i.a. due to lack of internet, depression from the reasons why im living in oakland to begin with, and to be honest, everyone sucks. lovin that people like to still believe the meth thing. i do it as much as i do heroin. i realize it seems very feasible due to my predisposition to say, adderall, but i love that my ‘friends’, upon hearing the meth rumor, would say “wow alissa, have you been eating?” i weigh more than when i was strung out on addy, you fucks.
as for the computer thing, that is bullshit. finally someone showed me all the comments, and it was very funny and e xactly why i refuse to help alex at all. he KNEW it wasn’t me, he wanted to do some sort of jump on bandwagon thing that pleasanton is known for. i do abjectly apologise for bringing ari to the house at all. the reason why i didnt say anything is because, for very warped reasoning, i felt bad for her being a junkie foster kid; she had already stolen someone arrash brought over’s rent and amy tao’s phone (which, just like this computer, she blames on me. i have proof of all this).
i also love how everyone just loved to believe so blindly ariana’s wildly hypocritical lies, who clearly is bitter about the relationship i am now in (alex deleted those first comments that someone had saved for me, i wish he had not…i suspect he knew that due to them, people would be less quick to believe it all), like cas. who are all you people? thing is,i stopped caring long ago, as you did too. let’s not pretend.
for a couple months i trimmed weed as my main occupation, i made enough to escape the house…but the lease was done so that if i did not pay, everyone was fucked. i’m finally putting myself in front of my undeserving “friends”, this disgusting family that made me feel like this was normal. every day i’d be fighting 4 people with saying “hey, can we please not pile trash on the porch, in front of my window, none of the trash being mine?” and i’m a cunt. and all my food is eaten. i’m stuck,my car is broken, i’m forced to live this junkie lifestyle without even being a junkie and guilted and the rest of my friends are mad at me for…??? not hanging out, for “tweaking”? why do i have to bear this reputation and live this life, and not even be high? why do i try to have principles and stand up for the others in the house, and be the one blamed for the consequences? i’m so sick of straddling these 2 worlds. it was wearing even to talk about it.
ariana has sucked security’s dick for heroin. she is the one who incognito did meth daily. i offered to buy her methadone if she went back to school or fucking applied for a job. the people who know the situation, know this fully. i was stupid. i was too empthatic, with everyone. she sold my clothes, twice, to buffalo exchange. and i didnt put that on blast. she stole this girl amy’s phone, and i was the fucking one who told her not to, to please respect that house, that theyw ere only memories. then i hear she goes out of her way to say it was me. just like the computer. why are the most fucked up hypocritical and affronted? everyone in the house allowed crackheads to hang out on the porch and complained about it, loudly might i add. i was the least complaining, with the most to complain about. i was too tired and sad. that’s how it goes!
i should have gone to the police, but there was so much going on, more than i can ever describe. and also, wtf. shitty she did that to an old friend, but ari could easily blame me (which she fucking did! ha!!!) and put on blast that the house was on drugs (alex + josh had a pregnant dog and couldnt leave, or so they tried to say whenever i looked ready to move out, ari could up and leave whenever) and that i trimmed weed for a living. but i simply do not care anymore. bring it, bitch.
very few people know this world, but if you do, you know how fucked my house is, why im here, and how unfair my roommates were/are. i escaped everything and everyone by doing what i tried to fight, staying in. i did not even want to go out into the hallway because it was covered in dog shit (9 puppies were born at some point). i tried to keep my family life very private, and i am still resenting the fact i need to divulge anything at all. but there is a reason i moved out- dad+ cancer -, and a reason why i might be too depressed to go to ruby room and tweet anymore, but obviously why else would i not be hanging out besides becoming an enormous junkie. let me tell you, if i did meth, this house would be a lot cleaner and i’d actually be hanging out, and if i sold that computer i’d be the hell out of here by now.
i miss you sarah.
